I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
