I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
