I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
