You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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