this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
