I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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