i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
