Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
