omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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