I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
