So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
