A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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