distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
