Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
