it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
