The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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