wanna go halves on a baby?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
