this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
