Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
