Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
