just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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