Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
