I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
