I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
