i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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