I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
