when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
