Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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