I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
