When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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