I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
