Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
