Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
