Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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