My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
