I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Say something about gay babies.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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