I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
