oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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