I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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