I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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