yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
