My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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