You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
