if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
