I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
