I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
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