i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Of course I have a pirate flag
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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