I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
