Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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