Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
