my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
